I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
