I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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