I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
