In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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