Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
