I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
