i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
