i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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