6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I need to stop coming to work sober
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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