We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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