dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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