I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
