I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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