My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We are two peas in an std pod
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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