cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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