So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
