does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
