I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize