Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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