DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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