I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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