today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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