can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize