I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
