My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
