I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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