I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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