hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
