does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
false alarm. still invincible.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
