My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
