I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Semen is not good for contacts.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
