I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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