I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
