I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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