i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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