Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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