dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
