Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize