Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
