last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
