If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
