She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
