Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
