my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
