Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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