you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
