I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
