ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
