I didn't shave. On purpose
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
