I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
