I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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