Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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