The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize