I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
