made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
