i already hear my dad disowning me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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