...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
