I cut my penus on the lid.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
