it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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