smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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