suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
