It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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