bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
